First person account ...

I started this blog to promote honest discussion about transgenderism.  One young man wrote to me asking for help in sorting through his personal situation, and he has offered his words below to give us his perspective.  The words are his, from emails he sent me; the arrangement into themes is mine.  I post it with his permission.

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EARLIEST MEMORIES

I first realized I might be transgendered in the 6th grade. This is when I actively knew I was desiring to be a girl. A lot of these desires had to do with wearing female or feminine clothing. Though it was 6th grade when I first thought in my mind "I want to be a girl," I was wearing feminine clothes far before that. I can remember as far back as preschool and kindergarten wearing my older sister's dresses. In kindergarten, I used to put on my sister's Disney princess dresses with my neighbor who was a boy too. We would also put red stickers on our nails so it looked like nail polish.  I never really thought it was that bad except for the part of wearing clothes that were not mine.  I did still cover my face if my sister came into her room while we were wearing the dresses but we would wear them around my mom.  I can remember having moments where I would have my sister let me wear her clothes as a "punishment."  One time, probably in 4th grade, I was reading my summer reading book and she was trying to think of a punishment to make me read at least 20 pages that day.  Then I said I should have to wear all these clothes and I listed off stuff like a dress, high heels, etc.  She said okay.  But then I pushed it further and said I should have to walk around outside in them too.  I didn't really think about it much . I didn't do it very often.  Then in 6th grade I begin to do it very frequently.  I am now a sophomore in college and continue to do it when I get the chance though not as frequent as I did between 6th and 9th grade.  After 4th grade, this was done in secret, except for getting caught by my dad once in 7th grade and I didn't really talk about it, I just said as little as I could. 

Wearing these clothes was probably the only feminine thing I really did.  I was a fairly typical boy growing up.  I liked most masculine things, including sports, which became really important to me, and now I am pursuing a career involved with training athletes.  I had pretty much all male friends growing up.  I can count on my hand how many female friends I had.  This wasn't really by design or anything just the way it played out.

After a while, the idea of desiring to be a girl or woman kept popping up as I got older.  Wearing female clothes didn't do anything to get rid of this.  Sometimes it would even make me feel worse because it exacerbated the thoughts that I don't have a female body.  That is the main thing for me:  desiring a female body at times.  As I began to explore the internet forums and ask questions, I tried to figure out what to do about these thoughts, what they meant, etc.  This whole time I was very afraid someone would find out and I felt really bad about the thoughts I had. 

CULTURAL INFLUENCES - MAINSTREAM MEDIA

While I was growing up, I seemed to be drawn to people who were transgender and I always remembered who they were if I saw them on TV.  My sister watched a lot of America's Next Top Model when I was in elementary school and that meant I had to watch it too.  Although I would complain about it, there were times when I was very interested in it and I wished I could be like Tyra Banks or Miss Jay.  Ever since then, when I see women on magazines, on TV, or even in real life, I get envious and wish I were like them.

CULTURAL INFLUENCES - PORN

When I began realizing the thoughts I had in 6th grade of "I want to be a woman" and I was starting to wear my sisters clothes, I began watching videos online of men kissing.  I can remember while I was wearing my sister's clothes I would imagine a boy kissing and hugging me.  I would sometimes watch these videos while wearing feminine clothes and sometimes not.  I would also watch videos of women kissing and was aroused by these as well.  As I got older, I moved into watching full fledged pornography.  I mostly watched gay porn.  I would sometimes watch lesbian and sometimes transgender porn.  I never really watched straight porn. I still am mainly interested in the kissing though.

I have fantasized about a lot of the ideas and things that are talked about in transgender and gay groups about being the submissive one and being a very feminine person but I think this has been influenced by what I have read.  These sorts of thoughts and desires I don't really show in my everyday life and I don't think many people would suspect this unless they knew I have never had a girlfriend and when people hear that they usually get suspicious, but these thoughts continue in my life.  The more I hear about gay stories and transgender stories, the more I fantasize about all the aspects of them.  I have even fantasized about all the non-glamorous things that come with being a woman (such as wearing makeup everyday, different hygiene stuff like brushing hair or shaving; I have fantasized about being pregnant and having a child; I have fantasized about wearing feminine clothes permanently even though it may not be the most comfortable).  But after thinking about it later, I think I probably wouldn't like some of these things whether they be for having a gay relationship or being a woman.

Obviously growing up, being gay wasn't really accepted and wasn't looking like a good option for me.  But what confused me most was that I never looked at a man in person and really desired them.  I never really feel in love or had a crush on any boy I knew or saw.  I did develop crushes for girls and saw them as attractive, but I never had any romantic relationship or even really desired one.
I think that I am not very accepting of these transgender or gay thoughts I have. This is probably a main reason I haven't been able to figure out what I am and what it means. When I look at most of the gay or transgender culture, I don't really identify with it because I don't really feel the need to be so expressive.  I think I am at the very least bisexual, but I can't imagine having a relationship with a man.  I can only imagine having a relationship with a women.  Sometimes it even makes me sick to my stomach to think about having a relationship with a man even if I were a woman.

As far as porn influencing my fantasies, I think that the fantasy of wanting to be a woman is original. Ultimately I think any fantasy, besides a basic one of desiring a man or woman, is influenced by society.  So I would say wanting to be a woman is an original fantasy for me because I hadn't been exposed to outside things as much at that age.  I think most of everything else was definitely influenced by porn and whatever else I saw.  I think my attraction to homosexual relations (man and man or woman and woman) was partly societal as well.  Since most of the things I like have a lot to do with things that aren't accepted by society or even myself, it is hard to know what I truly want and what has been influenced onto me.  I guess I will just have to take it slowly, and pursue my main aspirations in school, basketball, weightlifting, music, and comedy.

PRESSURES TO CONFORM

Growing up I did feel pressure to have relationships with girls and felt like an outcast because I wasn't.  But over time I got over it, and realized there were more important things than worrying about what people thought and even just pursuing relationships at such a young age.  I did go to an all male private high school as well. I'm not sure how much that played into it all. I don't think for me it did play into the way I acted.

As of the last year or so I have tried to have a relationship with women through different sites.  I have made some friends and tried my best but nothing really has come to fruition.  I have now decided to stop and focus on my school and other hobbies like basketball and weightlifting.  I always try to consider the other perspective and try things out so that's why I think I went this route.
Though I don't act feminine or show that I like feminine things a lot in person, I don't feel afraid to like these things or anything and think I obviously do like some of it or I wouldn't be thinking the way I do.  I am not really sure what it all means and how I will proceed to live my life, whether it be how I dress or how I pursue romantic relationships.  I do know that for some reason I really desire having the secondary sexual characteristics of a woman and I do sexually desire mostly men (even though it makes me feel sick to my stomach.  It is odd.).

EFFECTS ON RELATIONSHIPS

I think all these struggles have caused me to have different relationships with my family.  My friends, I don't think it really was affected, other than the fact that I didn't follow the stereotypical path of wanting to do all these things like prom.   I distanced myself from my older friends from my town before I went to a private high school because they basically ignored me after I tried to keep our friendships alive. I still distance myself from my friends now but will eventually catch up with them.

Growing up, my mom and sister were much greater influences on me than my dad was just because my mom and sister (mainly my mom) shared more with me.  My mom would tell me endless stories about her life and growing up, etc.  My dad never really did this.  Most of the things I know from his past are from my mom or me asking.  He mainly talked about things in the present or just joking around.  This may have contributed to whatever I feel now, wanting to be a woman.

But my relationships with my parents has gotten worse over the years. I still love them and they are very supportive and helpful, but sometimes I treat them badly.  I don't really know why and I have tried to act better towards them and I always apologize, but for some reason it continues.  With my sister, we have grown distant as the years have gone on.  My family probably doesn't really view these things as a big deal but I still feel bad and have tried to become better.

My parents have said things that have stuck with me regarding gender identity and sexuality.  One instance was when one of my parents saw me wearing my sister's bra and underwear and didn't jump for joy after seeing me like that.  Or them not being very accepting if I were homosexual or of someone who cross-dresses.  

However, they have tried to be supportive.  I was writing a sort of journal by emailing myself.  My therapist at school recommended writing stuff down that I thought about.  Unfortunately, I didn't know my parents had access to this email account.  I don't know exactly what they saw but they tried to talk to me about it.  I wouldn't talk about it but they said they wanted to help and that they loved me no matter what.  I told them I was seeing someone at school and had an appointment with another therapist as well so they seemed okay.  They still wanted me to talk about it but eventually understood I didn't really feel comfortable doing it. 

I do think I distanced myself from my parents to a certain extent but especially from my friends and sister.  I buried myself in basketball and training.  I was exercising constantly and when I wasn't I was doing schoolwork, thinking about working out, or was researching new workouts.   After some of my friends essentially ditched me after I left for a private school, I figured, well, I just need to focus on my goals and if I make friends along the way then so be it.  Fortunately along the way I opened my eyes as I had to take a step back due to injuries.  I tried exploring other things (like music, doing pranks, different YouTube channels, different tv shows, different movies) and made some friends.  After exploring for 3 years I am back where I started, back to what I enjoy, most making a career through basketball and athletics, and still excited about what I want to do.  I am trying to regain what I've lost, the relationships that have been strained.  I am trying to take control of my actions (like not be mean to my family or friends).  I am trying to take control of my self-talk and what I deem right or wrong, be accepting towards the thoughts I have.  I am trying to accept myself and those that love me.  All I can do is do the best I can and see where it gets me.

Since I  have never been a popular person or had a lot of confidence, it may be that these desires to wear these clothes and be with men is because I will actually be seen as desirable and will be sought after, where as now I am not or haven't really ever been the subject of girls' crushes or love.  I have never been seen as the cool one and had people jumping to be my friend, male or female.  I have only known of five girls who have ever had crushes on me or liked me but far more who have rejected or not even cared about me.  It seems to coincide with me dressing up and having these different thoughts more frequently as I got older and saw that I was an outsider of sorts.  I think lack of self-confidence and self-hatred has pervaded all aspects of my life.

These internal struggles have caused me to waste a lot of my days just being depressed and not being productive.  I have still managed to be a good student and be involved in other things but I think I also could have been much greater if I hadn't spent so much time struggling with these things.

SEEKING HELP

The online community can be crazy at times with all the differing opinions on all sides of the spectrum from all different groups of people.  There are people who think if you like feminine things you should change your gender, people who think you are mentally ill and have something severely wrong with you, and everything in between. This makes it very confusing and hard to sift through.  That's why I kept trying to seek out people who aligned with my views and who were professionals who could try to help me.  I think that each person's case is unique and you should take into account a person's life including their relationships with family and friends, their childhood, their desires, their school, their hobbies, and their personality.  A lot of the people preaching to do drastic changes were doing it based on the fact of liking feminine things and I couldn't get behind that because that was just too superficial to me.  Even if a majority of women were feminine, that still doesn't mean feminine=woman or masculine=man.  There were other aspects where I just felt that people who have these thoughts weren't challenged enough in their desires because I don't think changing your body will solve your problems.  I think it may temporarily solve them but ultimately it feels like I would just be running away instead of confronting these thoughts.  I wanted to figure out why I had them and why I felt so bad about them.

As I looked at the community of people who went through with changing their body I saw a lot of what didn't seem like me.  I saw a lot of people who cared a lot about things that weren't important to me.  Though this may not represent all people who transition, this is just what I was exposed to.  I saw a lot of people who cared a lot about appearance and a lot about seeking validation through romantic relationships and even society as a whole.  While these are not bad things, they don't align with what I believe in and have believed in my whole life.  I feel like I would be changing my whole personality.  I have seen people change the way they act with people after changing their body.  They justify it by saying they are finally acting the way they always wanted but I think I have always acted the way I wanted.  I don't want to create a whole new personality because "that one may be my true one that has been suppressed."

A big reason that caused me to seek help was the thoughts got worse as I went away to college.  This could be because I was afraid that these new people would find out these things and would treat me badly.  Before college, I tried more feminine things to see if that's all I needed.  I tried wearing makeup, shaving my legs and body hair, wearing a wig.  This helped a little and made me feel more like a woman but was too hard to keep up with and was hard to keep secret so I stopped.  When I would go for a period of not wearing my feminine clothes because I didn't have access to them or would try to stop myself, I would have more homosexual thoughts.  Then after I was able to I get back to the more transgender thoughts. Then I would meld both.  At school I wasn't able to wear feminine clothes so I would gravitate towards more homosexual things though I still had transgender thoughts.

I didn't tell someone in person until last year, in my freshman year of high school, when I told my therapist of over 4 years.  This was very hard but felt good to get off my chest.  Before that I was telling my story to different forums on reddit.  I was getting a lot of replies but I was skeptical of doing anything drastic.  At times I really wanted to take whatever I needed to develop a more feminine body even after hearing how long it takes, the side effects, how it will change all your relationships, and all the other downsides.  Then there were times I thought that was idiotic and just because I change something doesn't mean it will make it better.  I still enjoyed being a man and my body at times.  The process of changing your body isn't as simple as just changing your body so I have to examine all the other factors into it. 

When I talked about it with my therapist, I didn't really make much progress because I still just didn't know what it all meant and what I should do.   Not that they should have told me to do something but I just wasn't getting any questions that caused me to think about it in a different way or seeing how other aspects of my life relate to these thoughts I have.  Also, in other problems I have had in the past, they seemed to only treat them with medicine rather than discussion about what I was feeling and why.  I then tried the counseling center at my school which I still go to.  This is a little better but still a little too passive for me and doesn't seem to help much. 

PRESSURE TO CHOOSE

Which brings up another problem I have which is the rush to make a decision.  Though I wish at times that I never had these thoughts or that I could figure out and solve my problems in a second, I realize these things take time and may take my whole lifetime.  People seem to be pressuring people into making their decision as early as possible because if they don't, then they will go through puberty which will make it harder for them to appear like the desired gender.  This can cause problems because it can cause people to not properly consider all different options and carefully think it through.  I could have easily been coerced into this but luckily I was able to keep an open mind. 

There still are many questions regarding transgenderism as a whole.  It is a very confusing topic and very polarizing in our western society today.  I think that more critical research needs to be done in the psychological aspect and the physical aspect.  I think there should be more therapists trying to help people understand their thoughts rather than change their lifestyle based on whatever thoughts they have.  I hope we can eventually come to a conclusion on how to help people who share the thoughts I have.

LOOKING LIKE A WOMAN VERSUS BEING A WOMAN

When I first sought help online by telling part of my story and wondering if anyone knew what it all meant, I didn't really understand their logic.  The majority were saying on my post and others that just because we had these thoughts we must be transgender because regular people don't think like this.  There were some saying that this doesn't mean you should change your gender but there is so many different voices.  Of course you want to focus on the ones telling you that your desires are true and you can achieve it.  When people post photos of their progress, it is all based on passing as a stereotypical woman.  But not all women would pass in this way so it seems like a flawed ideal to go off of because that would make these women something other than women.  They focus a lot on wearing feminine clothes, wearing makeup, having long hair, and liking feminine toys growing up.  These are the basis for evaluating if you are transgender for a male to female.  For the male to female side, they often talk about being catcalled, like it is a good thing and a sign that you are now a woman, despite the fact that most women hate the fact they get catcalled.  To me it seems that their idea of what a woman is is very backward since it wouldn't even include all women.  I never really see talk or debate on their ideas of what a man or woman is.  They just go along with the idea that masculine is man and feminine is woman. It is hard to determine what a true woman or man is since their are woman and men who don't have some of the secondary sex characteristics and don't even have fully working sexual organs.  Since it is so confusing and there is so much debate, I could never really agree with the idea of going for one ideal and changing my whole life around a caricature of their idea of a woman.  One can never really know what it's like to be the opposite of what they were born as because our bodies have been altered from before birth to change to a male or female.  I wish there was more confrontation in the ideas of what it is to be a man or woman because the changes you undergo are mostly permanent and will change your relationships with people and society forever.  The decision is not meant to be taken lightly and all possible explanations should be explored even if some of them are upsetting, because even more upsetting is the consequences that could arise if you make the wrong decision.

I just thought of a great comparison of how people think changing gender will solve their problems.  It is very similar to how people think once they are no longer virgins or once they meet the right person for a relationship that all their problems will be solved.  They think their life will be complete. Then once they lose their virginity or begin a relationship they realize they are still pretty much the same person.  If they haven't been trying to better themselves intellectually, socially, or physically then they will be right were they started.